2.5 Weeks Out! Ugh Don't Say That Out Loud.

Okay friends!  Update pics...

7 weeks out

6 weeks out

5 weeks out

4 weeks out

And from here on out my progress pics will be posing instead of just standing there like a turdball.

SO...

3 weeks out

Okay let me break down my thoughts on these 3 week out pics.

1.  My front pose is hideous.  Don't judge it.  But I know what I'm doing wrong and I can fix that.  Weight needs to be ALL on the back leg.  I'm leaning back a bit much.  I need to rotate shoulders forward more.  Pop booty better too.  Other than those things I feel pretty good about where I'm at.

2.  My back pose is better.  I need more arch in my back though.  My hamstrings are starting to show, wow, who knew I even had some.  Took long enough.  

3.  Side/model pose looks good but maybe turn shoulders forward a little more?

This week I meet with Tawna Eubanks for posing practice and stage presence help.  I'm REALLY excited about meeting her and seeing what she has to say and how I can fix things for my routine.  She's an ifbb bikini pro and is amazing!  I know after meeting with her several times that I'll feel 100x more confident about hitting that stage.  

A few weeks ago I went on a fun girls trip to New Orleans and got to party it up with some of the most fun people I know.  Unfortunately I had to stick with my diet the whole trip which wasn't the most fun thing ever.  

Okay, let's be honest, it sucked.  BUT, I did it.  AND I even found a gym there and got in my workouts too!  Plus I had some fun lifting partners for a change!

THEN on the very last day I was gifted a beautiful cheat meal by Julia and 

IT

WAS

GLORIOUS.

THIS is what I had.  OH wait, that's not it.

I also had...

1.  An entire plate of french fries

2.  TONS of butter smothered all over that delicious biscuit shown above

3.  THREE bags of peanut butter M&Ms!!  THUH-REEE 

4.  THREE Beignets

5.  Two of Trevor's chocolate coconut balls

And guess what?  I DIDN'T EVEN GET SICK.

My body just sucked that food up and LOVED.  IT.  ALL.  

The next day I had lovely post cheat meal abs to show off after the refeed of a lifetime.

THEN on my birthday I had ANOTHER cheat meal.  I know, Julia must really love me, right?  That one wasn't AS massive but still quite enjoyable.  Mexican food with a ton of chips and salsa and a sprinkles cupcake.  Unfortunately I didn't have the same good luck after that meal and I got TOTALLY sick.  Like nasty groovy sick.  Like I don't ever wanna eat again sick.  I laid in bed just moaning and moaning.  Bleck.  And just for fun let me show you what a refeed does to your belly.  Top pics are after I'm stuffed full and bottom pics are the next day.

But now I'm 2.5 weeks out and meals will be pretty strict until after show day.  Here's what most of my meals look like.

A lot of eating out of tupperware in the car or cold chicken or turkey out of a bag.  I'm still having about 140ish grams of carbs so I consider myself quite lucky.  

Even with carbs still in my diet I'm leaning out and clothes are getting really loose in some spots that they were never loose before!

When your leggings don't fit like they used to before!

Everything is going as planned and I'm enjoying the gainZZZ along the way!  

I must say this for the record though, some days are really REALLY hard.  Julia can attest for that and unfortunately she's the recipient of my whiney, stressed, frustrated, etc. texts.  Contest prep can really mess with your head if you let it and I DID let it.  Thankfully I took a moment and just looked at where I am and where I started.  I tried to focus on why I started this in the first place and it helped to remember that I did this to be proud of ME.  I can't let my head wander away and try to compare myself to others or tell me that I'm not good enough.  I AM good enough.  I've worked HARD over this last 10 months.  I NEVER missed a single workout and I KILLED this diet no matter how hard it got.  I DID IT.  I'm almost done and when I step on that stage I KNOW that I did my BEST.  I know that I'm bringing MY best package to that stage and I have no regrets or no wishing I had done better with this or that.  That feels good to know.

Now, if my swimmer would just arrive...

PEACE OUT!

9 Weeks Out

It's been a while since I've posted but I DID move across the WORLD and all, so there's that.  Gimme a few months to get settled, sheesh, pressure. 

Lots has changed!!  We are now officially in contest prep!!  Exciting, I know.  For those of you who don't understand that and are confused at what I've been doing the last 8 months, WELL, I was building.  Building lots of muscles and fluff and now I'm leaning out for show day.  It's a slow process but it's becoming my favorite because I get to see what has been hiding under my fluff the last 7 months.  I started prep at 13 weeks out from show date and I'm now 9 weeks out, almost 8.  

So here's what show prep looks like:

1.  SWEATY PITS 24/7

I'm usually dripping sweat from my arm pits down to my elbows BEFORE I EVEN START WORKING OUT each day.  And then EVERY shirt I put on is graced with the presence of a nice wet ring of sweat.  YAY FAST METABOLISM! 

2.  PEE.  ALL THE TIME, PEE.

Lucky for you, I  don't have any pictures of this to help you visualize BUT drinking 1-2 gallons of water a day can make a girl become best friends with the bathroom.  Sleep is rough because I seriously am up about 6-7 times a night.  Not even exaggerating.  I daydream of having a permanent catheter.   

2.  Posing obsessed.

At any given moment, one could take my phone and look in my camera roll and see about 639 pictures of  ME.  POSING.  I always read that posing was the hardest part but I didn't quite understand until NOW that POSING IS THE MOTHER FREAKING HARDEST PART.  Holy body contortions.  When I FEEL like I look right, I look awful and when I look PERFECT I feel like a pretzel.  Twist, suck in, boobs up, legs facing forward, flex EVERY MUSCLE, booty pop, shoulders forward, back arched until it feels like it's about to snap, hamstrings flexed, toes out, quads popping, chin up to the ceiling, relax shoulders.  OH MY GOSH.  But I gotta keep practicing because you can look AMAZING and have horrible posing and a horrible routine and you're screwed.  It's all about showing the best of YOU and making it all look natural and like you aren't trying too hard even though you're trying WAY too hard.  ugh.  But thanks to my Coach Julia and to my sweet friend Heidi I'm getting better.  MUCH better.  Still not perfect but every day I practice, I get closer.  

3.  The missing boobs.

I thought I had lost them a long time ago but I was wrong.  Now I REALLY lost them.  Like, zero.  Like ribs stick out further than my chest in a sports bra or swimsuit.  It's totally sadness.  My 12 year old has bigger boobs than me YALL!!!  Thank goodness for padded bras and padded contest bikinis!!

4.  Cellulite Oil.

Okay I don't know if this really works but I'm willing to try because I have cellulite on my backside that I NEED TO GO AWAYYYYYY.  So I've been rubbing down with this stuff every day.  Jesus take the wheel on my cellulite situation.  

5.  VEINSSSSSSS.

Oh momma these are fun.  The more lean and thin my skin gets, the more veins be popping and it's kinda exciting when a new one appears.  I've wanted a bicep vein for quite some time.  I don't know why, it just looks badass, right?  Well, the past few weeks at the gym it would pop out during a pump BUT, yesterday I was just sitting at home doing NOTHING and guess who decided to show up?  Oh yeah.  

6.  Cravings.

Contest prep = NO CHEAT  MEALS.  Sounds awful but really wasn't too bad until like last week when my calories got reduced a second time and then something in my brain just snapped.  It's like I want everything I see and it's extremely hard to stay full of water to make sure I don't feel those hunger pains because they are EVIL.  I've started making a list of the items I'll need in my belly the day after the show.  I'm going to make it a day of food.  All day.  All food.  Sadly, I will probably eat two donuts and be sick for the rest of the day, but I'm being positive, surely I can ingest all of this in one day.  

And since I can't have my cake and eat it too, I just buy myself new workout bags to smile at.  I can't eat it, well I guess I could but it wouldn't taste like donuts.  Instead I just pat it and zip it and stuff it and be happy about it.  Look how cute he is just sitting there smiling at me :)

7.  PROGRESS.

This is the best one.  Each week I get to compare my pics to the weeks prior and it's so encouraging to see how much change I'm making.  It fuels me for another week to know that my body is working properly and being fed and worked to create these results.  I love science!! The front and back pics are from 1st week of contest prep and now, so like 4 weeks difference.  You can definitely tell I'm leaning out.  

And then these leg pics are about 2 weeks apart.  Abs are much tighter, legs look smaller but only because they're losing fat.  And we have a definite quad problem on the right leg and we're in the process of trying to remedy that.  Poor little quad doesn't want to grow as fast as his partner.  Still, I'm happy with this progress.  

Shoulders are coming along nicely as well.

And even my back.  These pics are a few weeks old and taken before contest prep started so I'm a little fluffy in the waist, but they still show a lot of growth muscle wise.  And I'm no figure competitor (YET) so don't judge my posing.  Flexing your back is like the hardest thing ever.  Go try it, you'll see.  

And don't forget the guns.  Been doing a lot of curls for the girls to get these suckers to grow.  Nice shoulder rounding, lat growth, even forearm and of course bi's and tri's.  

I can honestly say that I never IMAGINED I would be seeing this much progress by now.  It's so fun!  I love every minute of it.  Really I do.  I love looking in the mirror and seeing someone that I'm totally not used to seeing.  Who is that girl in the mirror?!?!  It can't be me!!  I love thinking about how hard I've worked and being proud of my accomplishments.  I love hearing my coach tell me she's proud of me, or Austin tell me he's proud of me.  I love when my kids tell me that they tell people at school that their mom is a body builder.  I'm just a small fry but it still makes me smile to think they they're proud of me too.  I'm so glad that I set my goals so high and am reaching waayyyyy far out of my comfort zone to grow physically and mentally.  

OH and one more thing!!  I changed my show date because it's a better more organized show.  So it's now NOVEMBER 7th in IRVING TEXAS.  

Until next time! Peace out!

Updates and a show date announcement!

Wow!! 

So much to update you on. I say 'you' as if someone is actually reading this but I'm pretty sure no one is. That's okay.  It's good for my kids and grand kids to see their mom work hard at something and then watch her be proud of herself for working so hard.  So when they sing that genealogy song in primary about hearing stories of their progenitors, they can really say they have.  And cool stories at that!

So first things first, after 11 weeks going hardcore, I woke up one morning in severe pain.  I had tossed and turned that night, with stomach pain, but I just assumed it was gas so I curled up in a ball hoping it would go away.  Well it didn't. That morning, the pain just grew worse.  It was SO awful, I was on my bedroom floor in a ball, crying like someone had just died.  It was ugly.  My chest felt like I had a really bad burp that needed to come out but it wouldn't, and it got tighter and tighter.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  Then, I remembered seeing my mom in this exact position on the floor, crying, when I was a kid, and it ended up being her appendix. I knew, right then, it was my appendix too.

Six hours later (because Naval medicine, that's why) I finally had an actual doctor confirm that my appendix WAS indeed in really bad condition and leaking poison into my body. Blah. Hearing those words broke my heart. I would need surgery, which equals NO LIFTING, which equals LOSING MY GAINZZZZZ!!! Wahhhh!!! No!!!!

The best part was when the Dr. said, "You'll have four scars on your belly, but don't worry, they won't show unless you'll be wearing a little bikini!"

Oh.  Yay.

Four weeks ya'll.  FOUR WEEEEKSSSS I had to sit on my bum and do NO physical activity except for walking.  It was pure torture.  I also lost all my carbs I had worked up to in my diet plan and went all the way back down to week one's NO training days' diet.  For FOUR weeks.  It was painful.  Physically and mentally.  My recovery was difficult.  I won't lie.  And it's only because I'm a big huge baby and I liked to sit and cry and feel sorry for myself while I watched everyone on Instagram and Facebook and friends of mine and even my Lover work out and make progress.  The diet had days of regret.  For the most part I stayed on it, but there were several days, especially toward the end of the four weeks that I went buck wild.  I had a really hard time feeling normal again as well.  I still had a lot of pain in my abdomen from one of my incisions and come to find out it was because my "dissolve able" stitches decided they didn't want to play nice and dissolve.  SO they were creating an abscess in me, trying to escape!!  I had to go back in and get cut open AGAIN to have them ripped out.  Jerks.   

Starting back up wasn't too rough, but it wasn't smooth sailing either.  Some things just didn't feel right anymore.  It's like I couldn't get my groove back for several weeks.  I also felt like my diet choices toward the end of my four week hiatus might have jacked with my body and I lost some of the leanness I had worked hard for.  

BUT

I'm feeling really good again.  I'm 10 weeks post surgery (so 6 weeks into my new program) and I'm seeing a lot of good progress!  It's always fun to catch a glimpse of some new muskuhls poking out as you walk by the mirror.  Since most women lose weight starting from the top to bottom, my top portion IS pretty lean and I'm able to see a lot more definition up there than I am downstairs in the badonk-a-donk and leggies. 

The guns are growing quite nicely if I do say so myself!

And my back is gettin' super jacked.  Don't judge my biceps, I'm not flexing them.  If I were, they'd be up to my curled fists, I assure you. 

 

Now, if only my butt and thighs weren't hidden under my bulk, I could see what I've been building under there!  I'm getting excited about the leaning out phase coming this summer!

So NOW, I'm in the process of moving cross country, back to the good 'ole United States of America.  Woot woot!!  Exciting times, but that also makes for some stressful times which also makes for some hard to stick to the diet times.  Honestly, I'm doing pretty good.  Hotel living for 10 days on a strict diet forces you get really creative.  I've got pre-made rice bowls, rice cakes, almond milk, grilled chicken in a big ziploc bag, protein powder, protein chips, and REDBULL. 

The lifting portion is easy peasy to make happen because I LOVE it so much so I never EVER miss a training sesh. 

But cupcakes DID happen.

And this...

Oh mercy.

Just keeping it real with ya'll.  Life happens.

OH OH OH!  The show date!!

Are you ready?!?!

*drumroll*

October 24, 2015

Fort Worth, TX

The NPC Texas Johnnie O. Jackson Classic

Heeeeerrreeee iiiiiiii commmmmmmeeee!!!

Posing Blahhhhhhhhhh.

Okay, so I know my show is super far off in the distance, BUT, I'm already starting to practice posing because from what I've heard, it makes a HUGE difference in judging.  And knowing me, I'm gonna be so mother frickin scared and shaky that I want the LAST thing I have to worry about to be my posing.  I need to have that crap down like it's second nature so when I'm up there about to pee my pants with shaky limbs and a bright red face and blotchy neck that are covered up by my tan, those steps and movements will just do it FOR me.  I won't even have to think about it. 

I spent a good chunk of today video'ing myself so I can see what I look like and know what I want to fix, change, correct, etc.  The problem isssss, I can't take a dadgum thing seriously.  ESPECIALLY trying to be all sexy and stuff.  I really try.  I do. But I can't.  It's so hard for me to be serious.  And even worse, when I'm nervous or sad or embarrassed, I get even MORE ridiculous.  So it was quite the party up in my house today.  

I put together a compilation video of all the outtakes that I thought you'd enjoy.  A couple things I need to say about the video:

1.  I'm no professional video'r maker person so don't judge the quality.  

2.  Because of #1, the sound in the first clip is really low, but then after that it's really HIGH, so beware of blowing the speakers off of your device if you turn that first part up high enough to hear what I'm saying.  

3.  I have really white skin.  I'm like see through right now.  No, I'm not wearing tall white socks, that is REALLY my neon white skin.  It doesn't help that I'm in front of a window and it makes it even worse.  I hate winter.  I need a tan so bad.  Shut your face, Brenda.

4.  The turning page transitions between each clip always reminds me of my dad's video's he used to make when I was a kid.  He was always so proud of that page turning transition and how "professional" it made his home videos look.  So don't judge those either.  I'm being nostalgic.  

5.  I know someone will ask, SO, the three big kids are all at piano.  Isaak is running around with some Japanese kids that he doesn't understand but still hangs out with so he can use their scooter, somewhere outside, and Gus is just behind that couch playing Xbox as you can plainly see.

6.  Booty.  That deserves it's own number.

7.  No makeup/greasy hair.

8.  PLEASE remember that I am no where NEAR competition ready so I'm fluffy in areas that shouldn't be fluffy for a bikini show.  I'm just trying to get movements down right now.  Not focusing on how the bod looks during those movements just yet.

9.  The very last clip is actually at the gym after my beastly shoulder/chest workout so I have a nice pump I'm sporting and I think it helped me to really rock the face off that last try.  I'm pretty proud of that one.  Except I almost fall over at one point.  And my arms are too long so I'm getting those trimmed soon.    

10.  I really don't have any other comments to make I just hate ending with 9.  

Peace out.

Tattoos. Don't get em...in Japanese.

I have a good story to tell y'all today but it's not SUPER fitness related (even though I'm gonna make it seem like it is) so first just a quick update on progress.

Things are going great!

Okay.  Now for the good stuff.  For those of you who may not know, I live in Okinawa, Japan and am surrounded by Japanese people almost all day every day no matter where I go.  Even on base, there is still a good amount of Japanese people around because many of them work on base.  Well, I workout at the gym on base so there are always a ton of Japanese men and women there as well.  

Now that I've established this, let us take a small trip back in time.

Pretend that flashback voodoo music is playing...

It's the year 2000.  Summer.  I had just had my first child, Jakob, and I'm loving my new life as a mom.  One of my best friends had also recently had her first baby and she called me up to propose an idea.  She had decided that she wanted to get the kanji symbol for "mother" tattoo'd on her back and she wanted to know if I would go with her and get the same tattoo.  "Get the kanji for MOTHER?!  My new role in life?!  My pride and joy?!  HECK YES!"  I was in.  She told me she found the kanji character online and would bring it to the tattoo place.  I didn't question her research, I was so excited.  I mean, this was about to be permanently etched under my skin for eternity, why...WHY would I ever think to make sure it was the correct kanji?    

She got the tattoo on her back and I got the exact same one on my shoulder.  I felt so rad walking around with this tattoo that crowned me as being a MOTHER.  Here I am as a brand new mother with my baby, Jakob, sporting my badge.

  

I had the tattoo by itself on my shoulder for about 10 years when I decided that it just wasn't enough.  I had this teensy (well not teensy but I felt like it was teensy) little kanji on my big ole shoulder and long limby arm and I wanted to make it more into a short sleeve.  Sticking with the Asian theme, I decided to add some cherry blossoms and made the kanji look like it was written on some sort of scroll.  After it was done, I hated it.  I hated how random it all looked.  Nothing flowed, there was a huge blank spot under the kanji I already had on the scroll, and it wasn't anything near a short sleeve.  YES I saw it before he put it one me.  NO I didn't object.  Shutup, I don't know what I was thinking.  I tried to find a picture of it but I don't think I took many because it was so hideous and I didn't keep it like that for very long.   

SO. 

To remedy this, I visited the best tattoo guy in town, the one and only, Oliver Peck.  You know, Kat Von D's ex husband?  He had a tattoo show?  No?  Okay.    

I showed him my arm and told him to work his magic.  I also needed to pick another kanji character to go in the blank spot under the one I already had and after careful consideration (like 2 minutes of "uhmmmm...?") I decided on the kanji for the number 5.  Mother.  Five.  Mother of five.  Get it?  Ya know, in case I lost one or two and I needed to remember how many I started with.  

When he finished it looked 100x better.  I was super impressed and satisfied and I went on my merry little way.  

THEN.

I moved to Japan.  

Home of people whose first language consists of kanji characters.  

I made a lot of fun new Japanese friends right away and one night, we all went out to dinner.  We happened upon the subject of Americans getting Japanese tattoos that mean something completely different than what they think they mean and I had this bright idea to show them MY tattoo to make sure it did indeed say, "mother of five".

So I whip up my sleeve and flash my shoulder in their direction and to my great dismay, their already tiny eyes scrunched up even more to try and decipher the top kanji.  Then they kind of looked at each other mumbling something in Japanese, and then at me, and then at each other again and then asked me, "What do YOU think it means?"  Well hell.  Did it even matter now?  Clearly it didn't mean anything even remotely close to what I thought it meant judging by the look on their faces.  Then they proceeded to explain that the bottom kanji is of course, five.  Phew, I had that one right.  

BUT,

the TOP kanji actually meant "daughter".  And having been friends of mine, they KNEW that I only had ONE daughter.  Not five. 

"..."

That was basically my reaction.  What in the sam hell do I do now?  I tried to laugh it off and say, "Well maybe I can say I'm one of five daughters?  Or maybe I can say I WANTED five daughters?  Or maybe I can say I wrote a book and it's titled "Five Daughters"!"  

No.

 Nope.

  I can't even do that because it doesn't even say five daughters.  It says

DAUGHTER FIVE.

Mother frickin daughter five.  

If only I would have just left the dadgum thing alone in the first place I'd be totally fine with just having the single "daughter" on my arm.  But nooooo.  I had to go and jack it all up to make absolutely ZERO sense.  Like ZERO.

I went home that night to finally, almost 15 years later, look up the two different kanji to see how things went wrong.  This was all I could find.  Although very similar, still NOT the same.  How.  How did I not check this first?!?

So back to me tying this story into my fitness.  I go to the gym almost everyday, usually in a tank top, and I get to enjoy all the Japanese people squinting their eyes, trying to nonchalantly read my tattoo that says, daughter five.  Then they look at me.  Then back at my arm.  Then back at me again and I see it in their eyes.  That inner giggle.  Look at the stupid American who not only got the equivalent to LETTERS on her arm, but it also makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  Ahhh, good times.  Go away you Japanese man.  I know you're laughing at me.  

I KNOW IT'S WRONG!!!  SHUTUP!!

I do have a wonderful Japanese friend who works at the gym named June (pronounced joo-nay) who I've had this entire conversation with just so he doesn't secretly judge me.  I needed him to know that I KNOW in order for us to continue our friendship.  This isn't a picture of me and June although I wish it were.  June wasn't at the gym the day I needed the picture so I stopped another random Japanese man to fill in for June.  

He's judging me.  I know he is.

When can I move back to America?

A List of Junkity Spunk.

1.  First things first, let's all bring our eyeballs over hurrrrrr ------> to look at my rad new links courtesy of my limby, fellow marfan friend, Kristen.  She was a little shiny gem and added these for me so you can click through to Julia's blog or my first post to learn more.  Like, if you're new to the blog.  Aaaand let us NOT laugh at Julia and I in the same pose.  Cuz shutup.  Yes.  I know.  It only accentuates the fact that my arms have almost NO MUSCLE.  Just shut your dad gum face, Brenda.

2.  CHANGES!!!  Changes, y'all.  Things are happening.  Here are a few pics I've taken (but haven't posted to Instagram because I'm paranoid of annoying people) to show what changes I've seen.

SHOULDERS

Those little guys had a good pump this day and were poppin like, "Haaayyyyyy!  Look at us!!"

LEGGIES

Remember last week I was complaining that I couldn't see ANY change in my leggies?  Then this week happened.  So.  I'm just having a normal leg/butt day, wurkin it with some stiff-leg deads, and I catch a glimpse of my little quad sticking it's head out.  "Oh.  Hi quad.  Nice to meet you.  And what's that?  A calf too?  You guys are lookin fiiiiine today.  How 'bout y'all stick around?  Get cozy."  

HAMMY

Okay, at first glance you might not see it.  But kinda tilt your head to the side and scrunch your eyes up where the screen is a TEENSE blurry and BOOM.  There it is.  The makings of a minuscule baby hammy sprouting.  It's there, people.  It's only like a 8 week baby bump but it will grow.  OHHHH it will grow.  You just step off and watch.  

Oh and that booty?  That's been there all along.  But it's gettin' bigger and roundier and higher every week.  If that's even possible.  My milkshake really does bring all the boys to the yard.  

Booty booty booty booty booty evrrr wherrrrrrr!   

3.  Food prep.  This has become my life now.  Making chicken, salads, rice, rice cakes, almond butter,  and protein shakes.  A lot of athletes (did I just call myself an athlete?) food prep once a week and have all their meals in their fridge to just pull out.  For me and Austin, it's easier to food prep large amounts of chicken and rice and MAKE our meals each day.  Especially since I homeschool and I'm home all morning, it makes it pretty easy to just throw it together.  That being said, our chicken we prep has gone from being MY food to Austin's food and then the kids' food too.  They love grabbing the chicken and rice for lunch or dinner when I don't make them anything for dinner.  Whiiiiiich is a lot of the time.  Yay for cereal!  So this right here?  This is my life.  Chicken making.

I have to admit.  I have perfected the juicy chicken.  We used to use breasts (breaaaassstsssss) but we've switched to strips just cuz it's easier to weigh them out.  

Throw them on a cookie sheet lined with parchment.

Slosh a bunch of lemon juice on them.

Add spices.

Bake for 13 minutes.  THIRTEEEEEN.  No more.  Linda.  Listen.  No or packing up.

DONE.

4.  Wanna see me squat?  Okay I'm only posting this because I said I'd post videos on this blog too and I haven't yet.  And I really don't know what videos to post since I HATE HATE HATE video-ing myself at the gym.  It's so awkward.  I feel like everyone is thinking, "Does she think she's something big over there with her tiny lift?"  HEY.  Shut your face you jerk.  That's what I wanna say.  But instead my face turns bright red and I just pretend like I accidentally left my phone over there, propped up perfectly against the kettle bell, facing me, while I squat.  Total coincidence.

Anywho.  Here's my squat video.  It's nothing great.  I mean, my performance of Barbara Mandrell's Crackers song would blow this out of the water.  Buuuut maybe I'll share that with you on a later date.  

135# for 8 reps.  As Bret Contreras would say, "I've joined the big girl club" now that I have 45's on each side.  Woot woot.  But my phone is stoooopid and cut it off.  So I don't think it shows the full 8 reps.  I promise you I CAN count though.  #homeschool    

5.  INSPIRATION!!!  So I'm perusing Instagram, trying to find cool people to follow that also compete on stage, and I stumble upon ASKILZ.  <---- Instagram name. It's so so so hard to find really down to earth RAD girls that aren't so obsessed with their boobs and hair and makeup and posing...STOPIT.  We get it.  You look amazing.  Now, do you have a personality? Maybe?  Well I found this girl and I just love her.  It's creepy.  I know.  But she's tall like me, which is hard to find in stage competitors, she's totally down to earth, silly, and has my DREAM competition bod.  

If I can look only HALF as amazing as she does when my show rolls around, I'll be over the flipping MOON.  If you're on Instagram, go check her out.  Be a creep like me.  It's fun. 

6.  Speaking of creepy people.  I must share what tends to be a trend in my gym going experience each day.  SO.  I usually do all my big lifts outside in the crossfit area but then go inside for the accessory stuff and planks and junk.  Well, every time, EVERY.  TIME.  I go into the aerobics room to do my planks or stretches or whatever it is I have to do in there the same dadgum thing happens.  

I walk in.  The whole room is empty.  I choose my spot and lay out my mat.  Arrange all my items.  Get comfy.  Start my workout and then surrrrrre enough.  People start coming in.  And instead of going to ANY OF THE AREAS that are empty in the ENTIRE aerobics room, they grab and mat and plop it RIGHT. DOWN. NEXT TO ME.  

Why.

I had to be incognito to get this shot but you see that empty mat there with the yellow ball?  That's my spot.  DO YOU SEEEE how close everyone is to me?!?  WHY.  WHY does this happen?  And I'm not even exaggerating when I say it happens EVERY.  TIME.  Ask my Lover.  He has seen it in action and it is weird.  And creep nation.  

7.  Which leads me to the last portion of this post.  I know, I'm hurrying.  Almost done.  I promise you won't want to miss this one though.  Awkward things that happen at the gym.  To me.  

*See through pants.  I'm standing there with mirrors in front and in back of me.  I lean over to grab the bar on the floor in front of me, but instead of lifting it right away, I kind of straighten out my legs to stretch and I look through my legs, directly into the mirror behind me and OH. MY. HONEY. HONEY.  Like, uhhh, there's my bum hole.  Is that my bum hole?  Is that really my flipping BOTTOM?!  I just got done doing really deep squats in the other room in these same pants surrounded by a crap ton of military boys.  Not to mention I've worn them like 593 other times.  PLEASE GOSH don't let that be my frickin BUM CRACK showing through!!  Fun times, y'all.  Fun times.  

*Box squat squirts.  I won't dance around this topic.  I'm just going to come out and say it.  I'm old.  My bladder is old.  It's in a weird position now since I've had a hysterectomy and it does NOT like being squished by my weight belt when I do box squats.  I even peed before I started.  TWICE.  And still.  Wetness.  Mother frickin cuss.

*Ball leg curls = weird noises coming from my lady bits.  Youtube this exercise if you don't know what I'm talking about.  Every time I do them, when those leggies pull that ball in, a whole lotta something else gets sucked in too.  And that something else can't stay in there.  It must be released.  Which I'm sure it is.  I'll never know because I have my ear buds in, blaring my tunes.  But I'm sure those creeper boys that decided to lay exactly 2 feet away from me while I'm doing them, were graced with a symphony of queef.  You're welcome.

Until next time,

Peace.